If you’re joining us for the first time, you may want to read Sexual Fantasies – are they normal? and The Tame Ones first. Or not 😉
This article might make you a little uncomfortable or possibly trigger you if you’ve had any sort of traumatic sexual experience and you might not want to read these. They are by no means extremely descriptive. But the topics themselves might trigger you, in which case I strongly encourage you to seek help in resolving these issues.
I’m not a sexologist or psychologist so I won’t be getting into the psychology behind these fantasies. I just want you to understand that these are normal and healthy and there is nothing to feel ashamed of or weird about. Enjoy your fantasies. If they help you get off, go for it. Enjoy them. Tell your partner about them but be sure to let them know whether they’re something you want to pursue or not. And if your partner pushes you to live out your fantasies … you need to decide whether you’re willing to step out of your comfort zone and do something you’ve never done before or not. I am not recommending you do or don’t … I just want you to feel safe.
So let’s get on with the more popular kinkier fantasies.
- Public sex (not so secluded) – You might fantasize about having sex on a bus, in a park during the day, in a movie theatre or some other place where you are likely to be seen. It’s exciting to think that someone might see you doing something that society has deemed private. This is probably the safest of the kinkier fantasies. Just enjoy it.
- Authority figure (teacher, police officer) – You might fantasize about that cute officer who pulled you over for speeding. Maybe you flirt with them, they order you out of your car and frisk you. In the process, they get very personal and consequently turn you on. In order to avoid that speeding ticket, you agree to oral sex or intercourse, right on the side of the road with others speeding past. The options are endless. Or you’ve gone to meet with your teacher (perhaps you’re taking night classes), and your grades are low. The teacher offers to up your grade in return for sex so you agree to it in their office. You both get what you want.
- Trainer – You want to get in better shape so you’ve hired a personal trainer to come to your house. They show up to your house, start putting you through your workout. They’re demonstrating the proper positioning of your hands and your posture. They get very close, start touching you in places you’d never expect. They’re strong and fit and capable and you give in to your deepest desires, allowing them to touch you, kiss you, enter you.
- Stranger (rough sex) – You’re out at a club with friends. You’re drinking, dancing and have a fabulous time. You’re grinding up on a stranger who suggests you go back to their place and you agree. You get back to their place and they push on you on bed, rip your clothes off and without much foreplay, enter you. At first you’re a little freeked out but then you realize you’re totally enjoying this because nobody has ever done this to you before so you relax and just enjoy the ride.
- Dominatrix – Regardless of what job you hold or position in the community you’re in, some women are very strong and powerful so becoming a dominatrix for a night (or two 😉 ) is a natural extension of their personality. But what about the women who are naturally more submissive, the care-giver who always puts everyone else’s needs above their own? What a great way to act out in fantasy a side to themselves that they’re afraid to pursue in real life? And you never know, perhaps your fantasy life will give way to real life, and you end up being the one who ties up, whips and gags their partner. There are many types of Dommes … some are more about punishment; others have fun. But hey … it’s your fantasy … you can be whoever you wish to be.
- Submissive – Some women are naturally submissive so this would be a natural extension of their personality. But what about the woman who is an entrepreneur, a power executive, a very strong personality? To fantasize about being a submissive is to let go of some of that power, the expectations that go along with their personality, to allow them to just be. This is actually a very common fantasy for those with very strong personalities. And yes, it’s totally ok to act these fantasies out but be sure you trust your dom/domme and ensure you have that safe word. To surrender to another human being is incredibly freeing.
- Threesome – Whether it’s with your partner and a friend (or stranger) or with two strangers, threesomes can be a lot of fun. Having a third person in a sexual encounter (regardless of how many men or women there are) provides a totally different experience from the traditional one-on-one environment. While this fantasy is probably more openly common to men, I suspect a lot of women think about this as well.
- Group Sex – This can be a little tricky or it can be totally wild and exciting. Bodies all over the place; all kinds of combinations of men and women. The only rules are safe sex and respect. If it remains strictly in your fantasy life, you can make it be whatever you want.
- Rape (remember, this is fantasy only) – I saved this for the end for good reason. This is a very touchy and often scary fantasy. Women might feel like they’re just “asking for it” in real life if they fantasize about it. Nothing could be further from the truth. To fantasize about being raped is more about giving your power to someone else in a safe environment. It’s okay for this type of fantasy to turn you on. It’s hard for a lot of women to just let go. I do not recommend you act this one out unless there’s a lot of planning ahead of time and only do this with someone you trust completely. And don’t forget the safe word.
I actually acted out this fantasy with my partner and while it was kind of crazy, it was also rather overwhelming. I literally trust him with my life; I know he would never intentionally hurt me. It was a date rape scene (we will likely do a stranger rape scene at some point but there are so many other ways to have fun) with lots of slapping (he slaps hard) and very rough. I had to keep reminding myself that this was a scene and I was safe. I started to think about the women who had actually been date raped and had to bring myself back to the present; that it was a sex scene and nothing more. I used my safe word once to go to the bathroom; the second time he called it. Not gonna lie … there were a lot of tears; none of them fake.
I tell you this because I want you to be VERY careful with this fantasy. It’s great if it stays in your head, but if you want to act it out, just be aware that it can trigger some crazy emotions.
The point of this article is not to suggest that these fantasies are good or bad; only that they are normal and as long as they stay in fantasyland, they are safe.
If you choose to pursue them with someone you trust, please ensure that you have a safe word and you agree to the rules before engaging in turning your fantasies into reality. I would not recommend acting these fantasies out with someone you don’t completely trust. I have repeated this thought several times because I want you to feel totally safe if you choose to act out any of the fantasies. And remember – you can always change your mind at any time.
Wishing you a fabulous week.
Sandy O’Shea, CNP
Sex & Hormone Coach