Looking for Love in all the Wrong Places

I was 13 years old but looked 19 and I was desperate to feel wanted and accepted.  I’m not sure why. My parents were good to me, cared for me, provided me with a comfortable life.  And yet something was missing.

I was seeing a 16 year old boy named Randy during the summer before I started high school.  Just before school started, we went down to the lake one night, and under the cover of bushes, I lost my virginity to him.  No protection, no thought of what might happen. It hurt like hell and left me feeling rather deflated. Then school started and of course he didn’t know who I was.

Then there was Tom … he was about 16 and I really liked him.  We had unprotected sex in his car down by the lake. This time was better and I started to actually enjoy sex.  We did keep in touch as friends and had sex a few more times.

Then I met Mike.  He was 19 (I was still 13) and he was so cool.  He had a Trans Am with the big bird decal on the hood.  I really liked him and we hung out for a while and we had sex while I was babysitting some neighbourhood kids.  Two things worked against us. He was black and my father was horribly racist.  Not outwardly … but he forbade me to see him.  Never mind the age difference and the fact that Mike’s family was from England (same as my nana) … his skin was a different colour.  Then there was the fact that he kept pushing me to try pot. Being around the smell of it made me nauseous. He gave me an ultimatum … either I try it or he wouldn’t see me any more.  I say “buh bye”.

This was just the beginning of a long line of guys I’d have casual, unprotected sex with over the years.  I don’t know how I never got pregnant and never contracted anything. Somebody was watching over me and had bigger plans for me.

Why am I telling you all this?  I’ll be honest … part of it is cathartic for me.  I was called a slut back in the days when slut was a really nasty word.  I believed them. I was such a bad girl. So unworthy of real love and affection.  I was good for a quick f*ck and that was about it. This continued well into my 20’s but at some point along the way, sex became a weapon.  I knew that I could get just about any man I wanted, regardless of age. And I did. Younger … older … married … single … meant nothing to me.  But it left me feeling used, unworthy and reinforced the idea that I was bad.

I didn’t realize until much later that I was really looking for love … for acceptance for who I am.  My parents loved me but had no idea how to show it. My mother was so critical … lose weight, cut our hair, stop being so self centred and talking so much, be a good girl.  When my father found out I wanted to go on the pill (I was too scared to ask Mom), he suggested we have sex … he couldn’t get me pregnant. Thankfully he never made any moves on me but still … my dad was supposed to protect me and he wanted to f*ck me?  I must be dirty, bad, unlovable. 

For so many of my formative, younger years, I had a very bad relationship with sex.  I felt dirty, unworthy of love, not good enough. Then I met Barry (my ex-husband) and slowly things started to turn around.  I started to feel worthy of love and acceptance for who I am … warts and all.

When I became a nutritionist, my focus started with weight loss but I’ve had weight issues most of my life and I firmly believe they were rooted in how I felt about myself sexually.  That wasn’t going to work. I started to go down the hormone path with a focus on “getting your sexy back”. That didn’t feel quite right either. Then through a number of occurrences, I felt compelled to focus on sex.  I felt like I had found my home.

Why do I focus on sex?  Because I’ve lived with a negative association.  I lost my sex drive in the late 30’s. But I’ve also found my way out of that quagmire.

Sex is an amazing, joyful, uplifting, empowering, spiritual experience.  I talk to women who have lost their sex drive and they don’t seem to care about getting it back.  Please believe me when I say that I understand.   

It is so empowering to get your health right so that’s you’re full of energy, vitality, charm, confidence and yes … sexiness!  It’s not a bad word and it’s nothing shameful and you should rejoice in that sexiness. Sexiness is not a size, the colour of your hair or the size of your breasts.   Your relationships (intimate or not) will improve. Your career or business will skyrocket. YOU will feel amazing about YOU. Gentlemen … I haven’t forgotten about you.  I know for many of you who have challenges with sex, it’s more about stamina than libido. It may affect your confidence. But with some dietary and lifestyle changes, you CAN get your virility back!

When I work with someone who’s intimate relationship is suffering, who is tired and drained and lacking joy in their life, and we turn things around … THAT is what gives me joy.  THAT is what gets me up in the morning. THAT is why I put myself out there all the time.

I’m very open and honest about who I am.  I used to say that “what you see is what you get”.  What a bunch of hogwash that was. I had so many walls up it was worse than trying to get into Fort Knox!  So many people have commented on how authentic and open I am now. I can’t tell you how grateful I am for that.  I haven’t done it alone. I have met so many amazing people along my journey, all who have contributed to who I am today.  It’s important to me that you know you’re not alone and that you’re destined to live a sexless life.

My wish for you … to heal the child that resides within you … to let go of the pain, the sorrow, the negativity.  To fully own who you are … and for you to become your most energetic, vital, sexy damn self possible!

If you need help in these areas, please reach out to me at sandy@letstalksexwithsandy.com.

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