UPDATE: Given the passing of tWitch, one of my favourite dancers of all time who became famous on So You Think You Can Dance and the Ellen Degeneres Show, I felt called to share this.
This post was written at a time when I was spiralling and lost. If it hadn’t been for the amazing people in my life, I don’t know if I would have made it. I’ve dealt with the odd thought of ending it all at various times in my life. I am so grateful that those thoughts usually last only a few minutes.
A LOT has changed in my life since I wrote this. I left my husband, we survived an incredibly divisive three years of the pandemic and all that entailed, I moved an hour away from all the people who helped keep me sane, and I’ve done a TON of healing.
So as we approach this Christmas, I encourage you to just love on people. We don’t need “things”. We need love and acceptance and we need to come back together as a community. We need to spend time with our people. Sending a ton of love to you all.
Here goes …. back to the Fall of 2019.
Warning … this is a long, very honest and vulnerable post. I couldn’t have done a video of this if I had wanted to. But there’s so much “stuff” going on these days … energetic shifts and crazy emotions …. I know I’m not the only one feeling this way … and I wanted you to know that you’re not alone and that’s it’s possible to get past this.
The past month or so has been challenging. I’ve felt trapped in my life and wanting desperately to escape. I have sudden bouts of “I gotta get out of this house” and will just put my shoes on and take off down to the lake for a while. It was so bad on Monday that I texted my husband (who was downstairs at the time) as I left the house. The lake is my escape … my safe place.
This has nothing to do with my husband or my marriage. This is all about me. And of course I have SUCH a hard time reaching out … so I don’t. I don’t really talk to my husband, I don’t talk to anyone most of the time. I suffer in silence and it eats away and I spiral.
I’ve been doing a decent job of keeping up appearances, going about my days and when people ask how I’m doing I respond with “I’m good”. I don’t talk about how I’m feeling because every time I do, I start to cry. And I hate to cry in front of others. But those who know me know I’m not myself these days.
So here’s the thing. We gotta talk about what’s going on. We have GOT to start reaching out and opening up. You don’t have to tell everyone … even if you just have one or two people you can count on to just love and accept you and give you the biggest, best hug … REACH OUT! Please don’t keep this all bottled up inside of you.
A lot has been going on the past couple of months … a LOT of changes in my life … in the energy of the world (yeah .. there she goes again with her woo woo stuff 😉 ) the full moon just passed, it’s October (September and October are the hardest months of the year for me … everyone dies), the gardens are gone (they’re my escape) and we’re heading into months of colder temps and more hibernating.
OK … the moral of this story is two-fold. One … reach out!! Two … whatever you’re going through is temporary. That’s why it’s “going THROUGH” … things change.
I was so caught up earlier in the negative … I haven’t journalled the past three days … so I started … one of the things I write every day is “I am grateful” … so I started stacking my gratitudes and boy did that help.
I wrote this last night and sat on it. I wanted to see if there was anything I wanted to add today … now that I’ve gotten a little distance from being in the middle of what I was feeling. Here’s the thing. That feeling of being stuck or trapped … you don’t have to stay there. You have choices you can make to get yourself unstuck or untrapped. Today I decided that enough is enough. I’m focussed on the positives, on making things happen and all the drama and craziness of the past month … I’m putting it behind me and moving on with my life … making things better. Because ultimately … only YOU have the power to make changes in your life … to make it better. It won’t be easy … but you CAN do it!
I’ve mentioned this before … I’m very intuitive of what I’m supposed to write and what I’m supposed to talk about. I knew someone really needed to hear that they are not alone. And if you feel like there is absolutely nobody in your life that would understand … email me at email@example.com. I may not be able to help but I can listen.
What does this have to with sex and hormones? Maybe nothing. Maybe a lot. Out of whack hormones can lead to all kinds of problems … physically, emotionally, mentally … it affects your health, your energy, your relationships. So don’t push it down. Don’t let it slide.
Reach out … you might be amazed who will be there to help you.