One morning I was on my way to a networking meeting with a woman I had met several years prior and had recently reconnected with. I wasn’t feeling quite myself. I’m normally excited and high energy when on my way to an in-person networking event. That morning I was low energy and feeling blah.
Then out of the blue, I looked at her and said “I don’t think I want to be married anymore” … and promptly burst into tears.
You see, I had a good marriage. My husband was good to me, made me laugh, sex was good and he didn’t hold me back from too much in my life. Never really did. He was supportive and accommodating and yet I wasn’t satisfied.
And the guilt. Oh my God, the guilt. From my perspective, here I was in a good (not great, but good) place with a good man and I wanted to blow it all up. And worse … I was going to blow up his cushy, comfortable life as well.
We weren’t without our challenges … after all, what marriage is? There had been affairs (by both of us) but we got past them more or less. Our sex life had been challenging for a while, but we overcame that. We survived living with my parents and my brother. Our finances were horrible but we were coping … sort of.
We had a nice home (nothing fancy but it was good for the two of us) on a good sized lot in a beautiful area in South Ajax, we had a car that was paid for, Barry had a steady job and I was building a business.
So why was I so unsatisfied?
I have exposed myself to new and exciting things over the past 4 years. New people, books and videos. It’s all contributed to opening my mind, my heart and the possibilities for myself. “Good” was no longer good enough for me. I wanted great. I wanted amazing. I wanted a technicolour life.
You see, for most of my life, I knew I was meant to do something important; something significant for people. But because I had been discouraged and “put down” and never encouraged to soar, I felt braggy to think that I could do something truly meaningful. I mean really … who was I to think that I had anything important to contribute to the world? And then I was given these quotes by Marianne Williamson and Steven Jobs:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Marianne Williamson
“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.” Steven Jobs
I kept these quotes pinned on my workstation wall when I was still in the corporate world, and they came home with me when I finally “retired” to work my business full time. Whenever I start to question “who am I to do something significant and important?” I remind myself of these two quotes.
It took me almost a year, but on January 2, 2020, I finally broke the news to my husband that I could no longer do “this” … I needed out of our marriage. I honestly didn’t expect his response which was “Yeah, we’ve been going in different directions the past couple of years”.
I’ll be honest … I was a little let down. I expected him to be way more upset but I was very grateful that he reacted so well. We sold the house, split the proceeds, decorated our new apartments and have stayed friends. He’s remarried and I am very happily single … with a very special playmate 🙂
I know this is a big struggle for a lot of people and while I don’t take ending a long term relationship (marriage or otherwise) lightly, I also don’t believe in “beating a dead horse” or waiting until you resent the hell out of the other person before thinking of separating.
Sometimes you have to give up good in order to accomplish something truly great. And sometimes, you just need some help from someone who understands.
So if you’re struggling with hormones (menopause is a really common time to be dealing with these feelings), a lacklustre sex life or a relationship that has gone flat, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. Let’s talk.
Stay tuned for my upcoming book “From Invisible to Technicolour” being released next Summer.