Cheating is one of the most emotionally charged topics in relationships.

For many, it’s the ultimate betrayal — a clear sign of poor character, broken integrity, or a fundamental lack of respect.

And yet… infidelity is incredibly common.

So instead of asking “What’s wrong with people who cheat?”
I want to ask a more honest, more uncomfortable question:

What’s happening in relationships long before the affair ever begins?

This isn’t about excusing infidelity.
It’s about understanding it — because judgment alone doesn’t heal anything.

Infidelity rarely starts with sex

Most affairs don’t begin in a bedroom.

They begin in disconnection.
In resentment.
In loneliness that goes unspoken for months — sometimes years.

People don’t usually wake up one day and decide to blow up their relationship. They drift. They disconnect. They stop feeling seen. And eventually, someone else fills a space that’s been empty for far too long.

Why men are more likely to cheat

In my work, many men describe feeling slowly diminished inside their relationship.

Men are more likely to cheat when they feel:

• Constantly criticized, nagged, or corrected
  
  
• Treated like a child rather than a partner
  
  
• Unappreciated for what they provide or who they are
  
  
• Cut off from physical intimacy with no safe way to talk about it
  
  

For many men, physical intimacy isn’t just about sex — it’s how they experience closeness, connection, and love. When sex disappears, it often feels like rejection, not just frustration.

Over time, something shuts down.

Then someone else laughs at his jokes.

Touches his arm.

Looks at him with desire instead of disappointment.

And suddenly, he feels like himself again.

That moment doesn’t come from nowhere.

Why women are more likely to cheat

Women, on the other hand, tend to cheat when they feel emotionally abandoned — even if they’re technically not alone.

Women are more likely to stray when they feel:

• Unseen, unheard, or unappreciated
  
  
• Emotionally neglected while carrying the mental load
  
  
• Overwhelmed, exhausted, and unsupported
  
  
• Gaslit, dismissed, or partnered with someone narcissistic or emotionally unavailable
  
  

Women often form emotional bonds first. The affair doesn’t begin with sex — it begins with being listened to.

Someone asks how her day really was.
Someone validates her feelings instead of minimizing them.
Someone reminds her that she matters.

And slowly, the emotional connection deepens.

So… is cheating a character flaw?

This is the question that makes people uncomfortable.

Is infidelity about poor character?
A lack of integrity?
A moral failure?

Sometimes — yes.

There are people who cheat repeatedly, lie easily, and feel little remorse. In those cases, infidelity may reflect deeper issues around boundaries, entitlement, or emotional maturity.

But in many cases, cheating is not the root problem.

It’s a symptom.

A symptom of:

• Chronic disconnection
  
  
• Needs that felt unsafe to express
  
  
• Conversations that were avoided or shut down
  
  
• A relationship that stopped feeling like a partnership
  
  

Understanding this doesn’t remove responsibility. Cheating still causes harm. Trust is broken. Accountability matters.

But when we reduce infidelity to “bad people making bad choices,” we miss an opportunity to address what actually prevents affairs in the first place.

The conversations we’re not having

If we truly want fewer affairs, stronger relationships, and deeper intimacy, we have to be willing to talk about the things that make us uncomfortable:

Sex.
Desire.
Rejection.
Resentment.
Loneliness inside a committed relationship.

Affairs don’t happen because people want to hurt their partner.

They happen when people don’t know how to ask for what they need — or no longer believe it’s safe to try.

A more honest question

Instead of asking, “Why do people cheat?”
Perhaps the better question is:

How do we create relationships where both people feel seen, desired, appreciated, and emotionally safe — before the silence turns into betrayal?

Because when people feel connected at home, they don’t go looking elsewhere.

And when they don’t — something else always fills the gap.

Ready for a different conversation?

If this post stirred something in you — discomfort, recognition, sadness, or even relief — that’s not an accident.

Infidelity doesn’t happen in isolation. It happens in relationships where people stopped feeling safe to be honest… about sex, desire, resentment, loneliness, and unmet needs.

And those conversations don’t magically fix themselves.

This is the work I do in my coaching.

I help individuals and couples:

• Rebuild emotional and physical intimacy
  
  
• Have the conversations they’ve been avoiding — without blame or shutdown
  
  
• Understand what actually went wrong, not just who did what
  
  
• Decide whether healing together is possible — and what that would truly require
  
  

Whether you’re trying to make sense of an affair, feel disconnected in your relationship, or want to prevent things from ever getting to that point, you don’t have to navigate it alone.

There is a path forward — with clarity, honesty, and compassion.

👉 If you’re ready to explore what’s really happening beneath the surface of your relationship, I invite you to learn more about my coaching work, just book a breakthrough call with me at https://letstalksexwithsandy.youcanbook.me/.

Because intimacy isn’t about perfection.

It’s about truth, courage, and choosing to turn toward each other — before the silence turns into something else.